February 2010 Updates (1)

1st February 2010
Today was first day of work after the wake. My supervisor was very concern for me hence she took me out for a short chat.

As I was still under probation, so that three days will be considered as unpaid leave. I understand and I was already prepared for that. My colleagues were also very nice to me. Sorrow was being diverted to work. I will try to be stronger these days.

After work, I can never hide, hence I sms to Ivy Jie. She consoled me and I soon, more people sms to me and asked me be strong. I guess it was easier to be said than done. I know I have to try. But tears still rolled down when thinking of it.

Any ways I can do to be stronger? Is it to pretend nothing have taken place? Or is it to divert myself with more work to forget it for time being? I really do not know.

4th February 2010
Today was lesson at Music Clinic. I had missed a lesson and today was 2nd last lesson. It was Terence who took our class. When I reached, I saw Peter lao shi at the entrance. I was still mourning, hence I did not talk to him much. I guess he finds something weird. Even when Zhiwen lao shi came near me, I also lost the smile.

How can I be strong? Augustine asked me what happened. I could not say. I scare if I said, I will cry. I do not want to cry at there. So I use silence to shut myself off. But during lesson, I was "okay" somehow.

Not bad in acting. I successfully hide from everyone. Hopefully I can be strong soon.

6th February 2010
Today was the 12 hours Marathon Hosting for Yes933 to celebrate their 20th birthday. The hosting begins from 9.33am till 9.33pm. Starting from 9.33am were Mary Jie and Liyi Jie. Rarely hear them in the morning.

Their special guest appearance will be Huishi Jie and Zihui Jie. They talked of the passed and when thinking of the passed, Huishi Jie shed some tears. After that was Yang Junwei, so long never see him. He still look very stunning and handsome.

At 12pm will be host by Jiafa and Peifen, time for us to go for break. We went to have lunch and take a break before we rejoined the crowd at 2.30pm for CQ kor and Ivy Jie at 3pm-6pm. We also get to see Baobao Jie and many others ex hosts. Then at 6pm-9.33pm were Jiahui Jie and Cruz. At 8pm plus, all DJs dance the song Sorry Sorry. Very nice and fun. We also played a lot of games and had a lot of fun.

The great suprise for me was, they celebrating all the January babies' birthday on stage today. I was so honoured. Actually thought I will not be celebrating and not having chance to eat birthday cake. Very appreciated and Thanks to Yes933 for giving me a memorable 26th Birthday. Felt so lucky to have same month birthday as Yes933.

Yes933 was borned in 01 January 1990 at 9.33am. That is why they name themselves Yes933. :D

14 February 2010
Today is first day of CNY. Should be a very happy occasion. But this year, will not be happy for Mah Family. I lost my Grandmother 19 days ago. So this year we are not celebrating CNY. Hence, we will not preparing for CNY.

Our house less the atmosphere. Something is really not right. But It was already 19 days. So no matter what, we have to come to terms by now.

Actually today should go and pray, but we arranged to be on Tuesday 16 February to pray. Today till tomorrow will be rest day for us.

Anyway, even if we are celebrating, 1st day of CNY will be rest day for us. :D

15 February 2010
Today our only routine was to head to Uncle's house for mini reunion. We had lunch together and some chit chat session.

As we aren't celebrating, hence Uncle house will have no one to visit as they knew we aren't celebrating. The atmosphere is still missing. That's how we spend our CNY. Tomorrow will be meeting again to pray for third 7th days.

Time to get back to life and be strong. :D

16 February 2010
Today was third 7th days, which is 21 days after Grandmother left us. 2nd Aunt told us that, they bought the place next to Grandmother and will be bringing Grandfather from the grave to here so that we do not need to travel to two places to pray.

They will also do a new tablet to have both Grandparent's names on the tablet. All the ceremony will be done on the 49th days.

Today, 1st Aunt was late for the chanting. But she was in time to offer the incence to Grandmother. We also discuss the dates for next visit and time to meet.

After that, Da Ge drove us to Changi Village for breakfast then send us to Pasir Ris. We headed to Toa Payoh instead. Done some shopping for clothes and went back to AMK Hub for some grocery shopping.

Outside AMK Hub, I met GZ. So coincidence. He wished me Gong Xi Fa Cai, but I cannot wish him. By right, he cannot wish me as I am not celebrating. But I guess many people forgotten. Anyway, thanks for all the concern. I am fine. Really fine. Time to walk out of sorrow and be strong. I will and I have to.

January 2010 Updates (3)

29 January 2010
Today was a day to send Wai Po off for the last time. It marks the last day of the wake and time for us to wrap up all the sorrow.

"How are you, Wai Po? Is there any more pain and suffering? I guess no more pain, suffering and sorrow. It was 3 days after your departure. We all very miss you. But we knew, you are now enjoying. So please remember us. We all love you."

Priest reached here at 8am plus. The rites begin at 9am plus. Whole chanting lasted almost half and hour with some paused for us to rest. All the while, I was not shedding tears. But when we were asked to walk round the coffin 3 times, I can never fight back my tears. How can I accept, Sunday saw her sleeping at the bed so soundly, except she was breathing very hard. Now saw her inside the coffin. I do not even want to look at the coffin. I also do not wish to believe, it was her.

After the whole chanting, we were asked to rest before they carry Wai Po's coffin to the van. Mummy and Da Ge will continue the whole rites to mark the ending of the wake and we will eat all the offerings. After some rest, we were asked to back face the coffin. Then we followed the van to send her off for some distance.

After that, we took the bus and headed to Mandai Cremented Hall to send her off for the last time. During the journey, we all were tired, some took a nap. Some burst into tears as they could not fight back anymore. Especially my 2nd Aunt who acted strong for the whole ceremony. I guess she also felt hurt. Sending her off was very painful for us.

When we reached memorial hall, rites begins before she was pushed to cremented. I can no longer fight back tears. I told myself, be strong. Mummy needs my confort. But when seeing her being pushed near to the fire, I can never be strong. Years ago, we were at the same place sending 1st Aunt's husband off. Now, we were here to send my Grandmother off. How can I be strong?

I can never call Wai Po, I can never dotes by her. She can never do pyjamas for us. She can never cook us soups. But no matter what, after crying, we all have to come to terms that she will never be back to life.

After this, we went back to rest for a while, 2pm will be back to collect the ashes, chanting and sending Wai Po to temple to stay. The whole ceremony ended at 4pm, we reached home at 5pm.

Had some rest before I headed to SCO concert with Yes933. I know it was very difficult to stay happy or at least show I am okay. But I have to as not all of them knew of what I had been through.

All the condolences, care and concern to me now was not able to consoled me. I guess I needed time.

The whole concert was remarkable but I have no mood to even listen attentively. After that was autograph session. Some of the DJs knew of my matters, they send condolences and ask me to take care. I very much appreciated. After that we headed home for rest. Meeting again at SCO tomorrow.

30 January 2010
Today was the 2nd day for the concert. I was much peaceful now. As long as I do not talk about the matter, I guess I will not be too sad.

When I reached the place, Wei passed me a plastic bag, it was a pencil holder which I can use at my work place desk. Steven also passed me a plastic bag which is a Minnie Mouse handphone strip. It was very cute, I love it very much. I really very thankful to them.

For the time being, I will not take any calls and I also ignore some of the smses. I hope they can understand and not blame me.

After the concert was the autograph session than we headed home for rest. That ends my not so happy but memorable Saturday.

31 January 2010
Today was my birthday. But I have no mood in celebrating. It was also Andrew's bday celebration, but I rejected last minute. I hope he will not blame me.

Today we all gathered at the temple at 9.30am, rites began and we prayed to Grandmother.

"Wai Po, how have you been? Are you comfortable in here? Don't worry, Wai Gong will company you soon. Take care and may you rest in peace. We all love you."

After the rites, we gathered for a while to discuss when will be the next chanting day. After that we either head home or went shopping. It was my birthday, all of my friends wished me. But I have no mood to even be happy.

Day 4 without Wai Po, my not so happy birthday. Time to let her go? I guess I should. But I cannot do it now. Heart still hurt, pain still there. I guess I need more time.