28 September 2010

Today is very bored hence I decided to update my blog.

Over the months and even years, my blog is forever filled with words and only words. I have long forgotten how to post pictures and type words to make it less boring.

But as mentioned by Faith that, blog are used to record the events that had happened around us. Hence to her, it was not boring. I just worried that I will bored people.

Recently had happened many things. Some are happy, some are sad. Some are very vexed and some are very worrying.

These memories I cannot remove. Neither can I choose to dump them. Hence blog will be a place I can vent anger, pour feelings and even express gratitudes.

I know you all had been closely monitoring my tweets, my facebook status and even my daily actions. I also know it is a form of care and concern. I also appreciate all your care, love, concern and support through my Ups and Downs.

Even when that matter had took place and you all knew I was blaming myself a lot. The amount of concern and focus on me I can feel and was really touched. Especially when I almost given up hope, you all were there for me.

Many people came and asked what actually had happened. I remembered I did wrote in one of the entries. Chose to write without mentioning name is not cause I want to protect anyone. It was due to I do not wish to re-opened the scar which I refused to touch after the event. Little did I know that news do spread and some may have heard a little and some may have gotten the whole story by words of mouth.

I ever said, in a situation, sure must have someone to say sorry. If x do not wish to say, can I say to x? I know it sounded foolish to admit something which was not entirely your fault. To look deeper, the whole situation was never my fault as many also think so. But if this were to continue, where will it be heading to? Eventually will the matter be put to rest? Can I forget that day and what had happened?

It may seems that I am forcing myself to face x. Isn't it better to have one person suffering than to see everyone around you suffers? What happened can never be treated as nothing had happened. When friendship turned sour or into cold war and even ignore the presence of someone, how can we still salvage it?

I cannot say for sure that it will be forever secrets. As now, it was never a secret. Time and again I have to fear that one day will spread to the ears of someone who I do not wish to involved. But things had took a turn drastically.

X never realised mistakes made and neither show any turning back or remorse. We were trying very hard to cover and pretending nothing had happened. A friend once told me, how long you can keep it from making known to others? Seriously, I really do not know.

People who came to know the whole matter eventually go a distance from x. I felt that I am the bad person who slowly chasing friends away from x. I know I shouldn't feel that way. I also know the whole thing was not my fault. But can I be said to have no blame on for the whole situation to take a drastic turn?

Its true we can never stop anyone from doing anything. But being a busybody will surely create more trouble. In the whole situation, I was like an outsider who is trying to probe into the matter and thinking I can solve it by saying pros and cons. Naively thinking I can prevent any further hurt. The end results are, I had hurt someone and had caused more and more problems.

How can I put everything to a stop? Maybe I really need a knock on my head and make me lost memory than can put everything to a stop. Or maybe there is a power eraser which can erased away what had took place that day.

The end result had made me dread to go that place as I scare will remind of that day. I even cried when thinking I had caused so many problems. Yet no one thinks I am to be blame.

Yes, x may seems to be in the wrong. But I really want to know what is in x mind when x was doing those things? I am sure there must be some reasons behind which we have not found out.

But if you asked me do I regret what I did that day, I really do not know should I regret? A friend told me, even if I did not do that, eventually she will. In my thinking, if it were her, the whole situation will never be this way, isn't it?

Enough of flooding the blogs with words. I just do not know how to solve it or rather there won't be any solutions unless x say sorry to me. Which is mission impossible! So more people know will make it more complicated. I just hope nothing will happened due to this matter.

Sincerely apologise to all who I have hurt and who I indirectly hurt. I am sorry to you, to x and to everyone who are involved in this matter.